Last Year Isn’t Important

3 years ago today I was sitting alone in an apartment watching old episodes of Felicity.

2 years ago today I was checking out the weather forecast for our wedding day.

Last year I was starting my first contractions with Clare.

This year I’m sitting on a couch being crowded by stuffed animals and baby dolls.

3 years ago I cried about being overworked and alone and unfulfilled.

2 years ago I cried about how I wished it wasn’t going to rain on our wedding day because it was going to ruin everything.

1 year ago I was crying because I was afraid of labor and motherhood and the changes that were rapidly approaching.

This year I’m not crying.

I’ve always been a weepy person. I’ve always been forthright with my feelings about everything.  And most times I cry about it – joy, sorrow, anything.

I consider Clare’s birthday my second birthday. No. Not the day I became a Christian. Not the day I was baptized or the day I graduated college.

In 5 days I’m going to celebrate my first birthday. I celebrate the birth of my daughter and the birth of my new life.

Clare has simply…changed my life. She has freed me to live and live fully with joy and with gratefulness.

This year…I have no reason to cry. I am not alone. Everything else seems so small compared to her being in my life, to her being safe and healthy and happy.

I’m not going to get presents or blow out candles on a cake but 1 year ago I received the greatest gift I could have ever asked for – my daughter, who saved me.

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5 responses

  1. you may not be crying this year, but I am. Beautifully written, so hard to describe those feelings of release and freedom that the child who you have known forever is born to you. Love, G

  2. Well, I’m going to join those who are crying this year–that’s beautiful, Val. Thanks for sharing. I’m quite honestly struggling with so much anxiety and fear of when Piper is born that the reminder of how beautiful it is has helped me today. I know that I’ll feel the same way about her that I do about Sam, and how you feel about Clare 🙂

  3. Wow, sometimes I think maybe our brains function on very similar wavelengths. Ben and I just hit four years right before Willow hit six months. I can’t stop thinking and reflecting about the INSANE changes my life has seen. So to say this really hit home was an understatement. I got all misty about halfway through reading this. Motherhood is such an amazing thing isn’t it? I find that everyday it makes me reexamine what I thought I knew about life and about myself. No one ever tells you about that when your pregnant! Three cheers to your first mommy anniversary and to your new life with the cutest little girl! She is so perfect.

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