Pregnant Panic

I have a little confession to make.

I’m scared about getting pregnant.

Anyone else?! (Some people are now getting up to take their over the counter tranquilizer and breathe into a paper bag. Don’t worry you’re not pregnant.)

Don't you want another baby just like me, Mommy? Yes I do.

Now, we say that Clare was an accident but if I’m really honest I would have to admit that Andrew and I were being…how do you say…lazy about preventing pregnancy.  I guess it never really occurred to us that sex worked. We just thought we would have to start “trying” really, really hard when and if we ever wanted kids.  We thought it was more like archery where you have to hit the bulls eye on the dot or you just don’t get pregnant.  In reality it’s more like the archer has a crossbow with a million really sharp arrows that are on fire and one of them WILL find that target and burn it to the ground whether he was aiming for it or not.

So…yeah.

This time around we’re being extremely careful.

So recently, when I had one of those “Benedryl” moments I FREAKED OUT! I seriously almost had a conniption. I was like, “How is this even POSSIBLE?! What am I going to do?! I know! I’m going to sue the people who made that stupid piece of crap that didn’t keep me from getting pregnant and pay for this kid’s college education because that is the only way we would be able to afford it.”

I sat there nervously rocking on the couch for an hour thinking through all the worse case scenarios and finally I decided that if I was pregnant I would have to give this kid a chance.  I would have to get off the couch and be a good parent for this “little surprise”.

So I stayed on the couch and knit a little newborn hat…

In my mind I now had a vision for this child instead of just bitterness or fear. With each stitch it was as if they were being knit together.

Then I took a pregnancy test.

It's ok Mommy.

“But I AM pregnant.” I said.

But I’m not really.

Why did I feel so sad?

Only hours before I had almost had a nervous breakdown at the idea of having two babies in the house at once.

Why was I sulking around the house when I knew I wouldn’t have a pair of Irish twins?

I'm just the babysitter. Seriously? Could we look any more different?

For 2 hours I had let this unborn baby have a chance and as far as I was concerned the love I had for them was already so real they could have been in my arms. And now…even though I didn’t really want to get pregnant I find myself wishing that I were…sad that I’m not…feeling empty.

Can anyone else out there feel what I’m saying?

In other parts of my world: Andrew set the video camera on the mantle…I’m wondering if he is performing remote surveillance.

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10 responses

  1. so true. I’ve been there too: the dread and worry, the negative, then the disappointment. it’s so strange, but so helpful too. at least we learn how we really feel about having more children: positive. you are such a natural mother. I love that you already love your unborn children. I love that just the thought of another baby had you knitting a little cap, even though you were worried. you love being a mother, don’t you? 🙂

  2. Well……did Gary cover birth control AT ALL when he did pre martial counseling???? BTW….I found his ‘key’ and he has everyone’s marriage program on it but yours…..but he told me he has another ‘key’. I have to make him go search for it

    New life is fabulous…..I think most people adjust. Just look how you did 🙂 I accidently hit my paste button before I started typing and this was my daily quote…..’ Never be afraid to trust an unknown future to a known God.’ — Corrie ten Boom

  3. At first I think I have no comment to this because my fear of becoming pregnant (as you know) runs unnaturally deep in my veins and there is never anything but relief when I consider I’m rounding my 3rd wedding anniversary and have no “oops” pregnancies to account for. And then (as you also know) I get excited about someday adopting and that the whole biological experience doesn’t matter to me AT ALL.
    And then- sometimes, I think, what if I CAN’T get pregnant. Without the help of artificial things… what if the Lord has closed my womb… And suddenly it starts to matter to me. Just a little bit…

  4. I totally know what you mean… but at this point, its the opposite order. I want another child I really really really want another. But we can’t afford another right now. Our car is not big enough, our bed rooms can hardly hold the one child that is in them at current and no paring down of toys or clothes could make another bed fit. SOoo when I have those I think I might be I am totally excited and then start to panic with “how are we possibly going to make it work with another child at this point?”

  5. nice analogy about the arrows. Very extreme and “spend it all” sort of comparison.
    I loved what everyone said in response to your blog. It’s a woman’s life– the complexities.

  6. Honestly, I am also afraid of getting pregnant. I wanted to have a baby but this fear really gets the best of me. I’m scared! this is the reason why i’m searching on the internet, reading article about this fear of getting pregnant.

  7. Yes, I have felt both the panic and the disappointment many times. I think every negative pregnancy test, no matter how panicked I was as I peed on the stick, still left me feeling a bit disappointed with the result.

  8. I really like your site, I cam across it while searching for tips on how to get pregnant. I am scared as well, but I also want to be pregnant. Problem is every time I try I have had no luck.

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