I have a little confession to make.
I’m scared about getting pregnant.
Anyone else?! (Some people are now getting up to take their over the counter tranquilizer and breathe into a paper bag. Don’t worry you’re not pregnant.)
Now, we say that Clare was an accident but if I’m really honest I would have to admit that Andrew and I were being…how do you say…lazy about preventing pregnancy. I guess it never really occurred to us that sex worked. We just thought we would have to start “trying” really, really hard when and if we ever wanted kids. We thought it was more like archery where you have to hit the bulls eye on the dot or you just don’t get pregnant. In reality it’s more like the archer has a crossbow with a million really sharp arrows that are on fire and one of them WILL find that target and burn it to the ground whether he was aiming for it or not.
This time around we’re being extremely careful.
So recently, when I had one of those “Benedryl” moments I FREAKED OUT! I seriously almost had a conniption. I was like, “How is this even POSSIBLE?! What am I going to do?! I know! I’m going to sue the people who made that stupid piece of crap that didn’t keep me from getting pregnant and pay for this kid’s college education because that is the only way we would be able to afford it.”
I sat there nervously rocking on the couch for an hour thinking through all the worse case scenarios and finally I decided that if I was pregnant I would have to give this kid a chance. I would have to get off the couch and be a good parent for this “little surprise”.
So I stayed on the couch and knit a little newborn hat…
In my mind I now had a vision for this child instead of just bitterness or fear. With each stitch it was as if they were being knit together.
Then I took a pregnancy test.
“But I AM pregnant.” I said.
But I’m not really.
Why did I feel so sad?
Only hours before I had almost had a nervous breakdown at the idea of having two babies in the house at once.
Why was I sulking around the house when I knew I wouldn’t have a pair of Irish twins?
For 2 hours I had let this unborn baby have a chance and as far as I was concerned the love I had for them was already so real they could have been in my arms. And now…even though I didn’t really want to get pregnant I find myself wishing that I were…sad that I’m not…feeling empty.
Can anyone else out there feel what I’m saying?
In other parts of my world: Andrew set the video camera on the mantle…I’m wondering if he is performing remote surveillance.