In Spite of Me

I officially played my first show since having Clare.

It was so amazing. I felt like someone had put a plug in my voice and playing this gig was like taking the stopper out and having this huge sound come out of me.

I honestly didn’t think I had it in me any more.

I guess every woman asks this question: Is there life after birth?

(that’s supposed to be funny…see cause…birth…life starting…nevermind)

But seriously, I wondered whether things could be the same; if I could manage doing music again after becoming a mom.

I was ready to give up.

Really.

I felt torn between two worlds – my little girl and the songs that threatened to burst out of me.

And I thought…I don’t want to do both of these half hearted. So I’d have to give up music for my girl. And it would be worth it.

I told Andrew and he paused.

He then said to me, “Clare and I need you to keep singing. Give it up if you feel like you want to but not because you feel guilty.”

Andrew has always encouraged me in spite of myself. I’m generally a negative person and no matter how difficult it gets to hear me battering myself, Andrew always points me to the light and in the right direction.

That night he told me to take a step that I was afraid to take – a step I couldn’t see the end to.

And last night I did it.

Andrew didn’t get me flowers today but last night he stayed home with our little girl so that I could do what I love, what I’m made to do – sing. And in that way he loved me in the deepest and best way he possibly could.

Thank you Andrew for loving, in spite of me.

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8 responses

  1. Hey Val…I’m so glad that you did it! You certainly have a gift and a distinct point of view in your music and the sound of your voice. I love listening to what you create 🙂

  2. Ah! What joy comes when we surrender to right priorities. If you had chosen music over your girl what disasters or guilt may have ensued. But Andrew is so right, what a precious thing to give to your daughter: a mother who sings, who makes poems and music from the love swelled by knowing her daughter. As a fan I am so thrilled to know I can look forward to more music sweetened with the knowledge that the singer puts family first. As a (amateur) singer myself I am thrilled to know your gift has renewed power and inspiration. And as a daughter of a singer/guitar player, I am gladdened by the thought of wonderful memories and precious moments you will share with Clare.

  3. The music never goes away. The urge to participate in it once you have performed will always be there. It is a language you will never forget and shouldn’t once you’ve learned it. It becomes part of your being and Clare deserves to see you someday in top form. You are doing it as much for her as for you. Children should know how important the arts are – music high among them. They should be brought up in it if possible.

    A lovely tribute to the place of music in a woman’s life – and that of the man who appreciates the woman who has that gift.

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