I’ve always known Clare.
I know that many of you out there think I’m full of shiznit but, as always, I don’t care.
I’ve always known her and who she was. I knew the minute I was pregnant with her and to be honest I feel her spirit was calling to me long before that.
But Andrew had a different journey to fatherhood.
I don’t think that most fathers think about being dads until they are sitting in the hospital holding their tiny little baby. All of a sudden the fact that for 9 months your wife has actually been carrying your child – YOURS not someone else’s or a large pumpkin or a really big bowel movement. It’s your kid and you’re going to take her home…FOREVER (like the Sandlot) or at least until college.
I have this thing I do. Whenever I get overwhelmed by how much I love Clare I look at Andrew and say, “I love ‘er. I love ‘er. I love ‘er.”, tears welling up and eyes getting bigger and bigger.
Andrew never laughs or rolls his eyes but simply smiles in sweetness to acknowledge my emotional spewing.
Sometimes it’s hard as a parent to see out of the tunnel. Life becomes a series of events – you feel like you’re tripping over your own life and landing in your face in some more of your life and then getting up the next morning to trip again on some more of your life. You forget to look at your children and admire them. You get so blinded by the every day that you forget to look at the extraordinary and give thanks.
The other night Andrew was showing me a picture that he had taken the day before of our little sweet petite. He kept talking about how cool it was.
“Whatever. Yeah it’s cool I guess.” I said.
“No. This is like the best picture ever.”
“I emailed it to everyone.”
“Oh…this is weird you’re sounding like me.”
Later he admitted to me that the picture had changed something. He said he saw her for the first time…I mean…not HER but HEEERRRR….He saw who she was – the girl I had talked about loving and loving and loving. He saw who she was – his daughter.
In other parts of my world: Please help. Schedule. Don’t know what it should look like for a 3 month old. I’m sitting here with my husband and our friend who are telling me I should have her on one…? (shrug)