The LONG wait.
I thought 9 months was a long time to wait when in reality a DAY is a long time to wait.
I’ve done everything I physically can to get Clare here but as of tomorrow the race will have begun between my own body and the inevitable induction day.
I feel like I’ve tied up every loose end.
I’m running out of clothes to wear – clothes that fit – and I refuse to buy more.
I’ve had her and my bag packed for a week now.
I’ve done the laundry way too many times.
I’ve taken a MILLION long walks.
I’ve had so much licorice, I can smell it when I burp.
I’m out of room. She seriously has nowhere else to go and she is still kicking like crazy.
I’ve tried to act like a crazy person and I’ve tried to calm myself down.
And I’m not even sure why.
Why am I going so crazy wanting something to happen that certain women have described as, “the worst pain of their life”?
I’m walking around feeling like I’m have a pap smear 24 hours a day…well, that’s probably why.
I want to wear my jeans again.
I want a beer.
I want to pee like a normal person.
I want to see those little clothes fill up with a little body.
I want to sing lullabies all day.
I want to feel those little fingers wrap naturally around my own.
I want to feel proud of something I’ve done.
The selfishness of this entry is boring even myself…So I’m going to stop.
This is so much less like nesting and more like…begging.