This weekend I was walking the dog (surprising, I know). Everyone is our neighborhood is very friendly so it’s odd to come across a person who doesn’t at least say “hello” with a smile. I had already had a nice conversation with a woman about her garden and the benefits of having a dog and was very proud of myself for making a new friend.
I rounded the corner and was very surprised when I saw a woman I had never seen before – short hair with about an inch of white roots and dressed in what looked like her gardening getup. She has a glorious teared garden, which I have always admired but I have never had the chance to meet her and compliment her. Today was my lucky day! I was on a roll.
As I approached I got up my courage to say “hi” (I’m often much more nervous than the person who sees a pregnant lady and a huge dog walking toward them with stupid grins slapped on their faces).
“And all I could say was hello.”
I thought she might smile to make me feel like less of an idiot. I thought she might acknowledge my attempt to be a nice neighbor but she simply sneered and said, “Hey”.
At this point I had given up hope of a long lasting friendship with this person and decided that I should just pass quickly and recover my dignity. When I did I noticed a strange glint coming from the woman who had already turned her back on me. It blinded me momentarily so I looked down to see what it was.
In a flash of brilliant light I saw the words “U WISH” sewn in blue and green sequins right across her bum.
Quickly I moved on, afraid that I might draw more attention to myself and this time be accused of starring at her butt. “U WISH.” (I regret I don’t have a picture – one never thinks when leaving the house that one will need to flash a shot of their neighbor’s bum) I had only seen this phrase pasted on the bottoms of spry young teens and the writing had always been partially covered by their boyfriends hand. I was amazed. Where did she get those pants? Had she known what they said? Had they been a gift from her husband?
Then I realized…you know what? I DO wish.
I wish that when I’m middle aged and out on a Saturday in my front yard that I can wear sweat pants of any kind not to mention provocative sexy sequin sweats. I hope that when I have an inch of white roots that I can wear pants that passively imply that anyone walking by would only look at my a– because they want some. I wish that when I’m her age I still wear a thong so I can feel the sharp threads of the embroidery rubbing against me every time I lift my backside to heaven. I wish that someday my a– sparkles with the light of a thousand stars.
But most of all I wish that when I’m middle aged and working in my garden that I will say more that just “Hey” to a girl who so desperately wants to be accepted in the new place she lives. Because the truth is I had wished that she would have talked to me and given me some advice on my own garden. I wish she had smiled at me to reassure me that walking my dog was the right thing to do. I wished that she had rubbed my belly and wished….wished me luck…or happiness.
And I wished most of all that she had told me where she got those pants.