Trash Car

My car is a trash can. 

This morning as I woke under my soft cotton sheets and rubbed my feet together I would have told you quite the opposite.  “My car is just a car.” (smug shrug)

“I just use it to get around. I don’t need anything fancy just something with wheels that can get me from place to place.” (nose in the air)

But now, hours after finishing my cereal and taking my shower, I realized that my car is in fact… a trash can.

As I ventured out into the uncharacteristically tropic weather to “straighten up” my vehicle I realized that I have never actually had a normal relationship with a car.  At least not a healthy one.  

I’ve never felt right owning anything other than an old “bubble car” – you know, the type that looks the same no matter what company makes it, the kind that you’ll still be able to buy if all the american car companies go down because they have all the same parts as the toyota corolla…That kind of car.  I have no idea why either…Why make a face at the nice sturdy old Audi that Andrew found a month ago that was in our price range? Why scoff at BMWs? 

I’m the kind of person who never drives people anywhere because there is never enough room for another person to fit in my car.  My normal excuse for this is, “my car’s a wreck.” When really it just looks like I’m living out of my car.  (most of you are starting to get worried at this point. those of you who know me are laughing)

My last car was a Chevy Prism, black with bald and rusting spots on top, a manual with stains on the seats from an coke bottle that had exploded one hot summer day.  I drove the car for a year with the engine light on and both of the inside door handles broken off. (don’t ask me how I got out or how I made it home) His name was Biff the Bruiser.  

My father-in-law, bless his heart, gave Andrew and me a car in September 2008 that quickly replaced Biff.  It’s a nice Toyota Avalon, brown, my first automatic and with heated seats – nothing a cop would want to pull over. I call him “Papa Bear”.  I tried to keep him clean and clear out of respect for my new family but I have to say, as we all know, that old habits die hard and yesterday as I was driving to the post office spilling a handful of cheese curls I noticed that the car might need a cleaning.

This is what I found: (please feel free to laugh at this point – you know I am)

1 bag of stale dollar store Cheese Curls.

trashcar11 Toothbrush….why? And I have a feeling this one wasn’t used for the mouth…or at least I really hope so.

trashcar1 spool of ribbon.  Please tell me why? I still can’t remember a time or a reason that I needed that in my car.trashcar71 full bag of really old chic-a-fila. Most of the items I found were food.  Pregnant anyone?trashcar3

1 disposable coffee cup.trashcar8And 8….count ’em if you don’t believe me….glasses. (my friends and family joke that if you can’t find any mugs or glasses in your house, chances are they are all in Val’s car)trashcar9All this along with 1 umbrella, 1 broom, 1 empty bag of gold fish, one partially emptied bag of homemade trail mix, 10 ants, numerous receipts, countless pieces of worthless papers, 1 Nemo treat bag, 1 empty mint case, 2 registration stickers for Pennsylvania stuck to a piece of blue tape, 1 tupperware container (if you’re missing one of yours let me know. it’s not mine.), 1 doggy car harness we used for 5 minutes and millions of crumbs. 

Are there meetings for this? Should I be saying something like, “Hello. My name is Valerie and I have a trash car.” Is there a 12 step program or a nice cottage where I can go and recover from this? Or is this normal?

Please share your dirty car stories…next time we’ll talk about my purse. Eh!

In other news: My nephew Joey still laughs hysterically when anyone says “trash can”. I don’t know why but I still laugh when I remember him saying “S— down” instead of “sit down”. Words are funny.

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9 responses

  1. If you find a place for meetings let me know… I could use them. But It might be normal. At least I pretend it is until I look in my husband’s car (well its a work car he HAS to keep it clean.) or get in my In- laws car… (they were expecting guests?) Hmmm I think I need to clean out my car, soon.

  2. That’s all you found? I don’t believe it. I’ve seen your car. In fact, I think one of those mugs was mine in college…

  3. my mom would loving say, “don’t go in empty handed!” when we returned home from any trip. she knew that there was ALWAYS something to bring in. she was always right. I secretly hate it when that happens.

    my car was okay, until Lummer arrived on the scene. I don’t mean to be a blame shifter, but he has SO much trash and toys, and sippy cups, and crumble bumbles that the car has become HIS trash can. Good luck with baby and car 🙂

  4. Pingback: Friends don’t let friends drive pregnant « Bed By Day – Tales of a human musician

  5. You are not alone… you can see pics of my trash van on my blog if you want some comfort. I even have a potty in my van! Every time I clean it I convince myself that from now on it will stay perfectly clean. Because I am delusional.

  6. I, for one, hate having a trashy car, I’ve even cleaned extras out of my parents cars when driving. However there are stories of car rides in two other cars, my mother-in-law, and Kate Burton. 😀 I think Kate’s is mostly food, at least that’s the most memorable. We got back in touch last year and a couple times I rode with her. The last time, instead of removing maybe 15+ soda cans from the car seat to the floor, I said “oh no, kate”, picked them all up and put them in our home recycling bin, the trash when in the garbage. Sheesh. My m-i-l has tons of stuff in her car, like Kate, no one else ever rides in it. The trunk, the front seat, the back. But I saw worse recently, definitley a driver-only car. The back seat and I do believe the way back (a station wagon) fill to the roof. How could they see to drive?!

  7. I SO try to keep my car clean. I vacuum it once a week and clean it really well once a month. I take stuff out almost every day, but seriously, it is STILL gross. As soon as I get in, I load it with a ton of toys, sippy cups, and food. Tons of crackers. Which of course the boys only want so they can crush them up and throw them the floor. There is SO much crap that comes in with the kids. It is really ridiculous. Seriously, if you do one thing before that baby comes, get into the habit of keeping your car clean. Because even if you REALLY try after the baby comes, you will fail. Pretty soon, you will not even be able to drive there will be so much stuff in there. I have a friend who once cleaned out her car and found over 30 pairs of shoes….I think….I forget, but something like that.

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